U.S. President Barack Obama signs two bills, S. 2328: Puerto Rico Oversight, Management, and Economic Stability Act and S. 337: FOIA Improvement Act of 2016, in the Oval Office of the White House in Washington, D.C., U.S., on Thursday, June 30, 2016. Obama signed the bipartisan legislation that creates a financial control board to help restructure Puerto Ricos $70 billion in debt and oversee the islands finances, marking the largest federal intervention ever into the U.S. municipal bond market. Photographer: T.J. Kirkpatrick/Bloomberg via Getty Images

Photographer: T.J. Kirkpatrick/Bloomberg via Getty Images

“WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—President Barack Obama defended his decision on Wednesday to issue a payment of five billion dollars to Mexico to compel that nation to retain custody of Donald J. Trump.”

“The payment, which will be delivered to the Mexican government in hard American currency by Wednesday afternoon, will insure that Trump will remain in Mexico for the rest of his natural life.”

““I have been assured by the government of Mexico that Mr. Trump will be well taken care of and, if he proves to be a productive member of their society, will be provided a pathway to Mexican citizenship,” Obama said.”

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